Cultivate 2012

Before we begin... I was a bit late in getting started and am really too tired to put in the full effort of finishing this in its entirety. I did the best I could with the lame preggo-brain I am working with. Being 33 weeks pregnant and working an my AA is exhausting enough without adding in the home business. the four kids at home and all the chores I am required to tend to. 

Enjoy!

Evaluation:

1. Reflection: What did you set out to accomplish this year? What have you done to cultivate your goals and your life? Did you intentions manifest during the year?

This year, I set out to accomplish remaining sane. Last June, we lost our full-term baby during delivery and we were/are still recovering from that loss. Only time will tell.

2. Path: Some times the best path chooses you. -- Patrick Rhone What path chose you this year?

The path of motherhood chose me (again.)  While it took me a while to come around to the idea of possibly having another child after losing Avery, I ultimately did want to hold a (my) baby again. I fell pregnant the end of May under less than ideal circumstances, but here we are, ready to meet this perfect little bundle come February. He was not planned and was quite a surprised, but very much wanted.

3. Time: Time is a valuable resource. Did you spend your time wisely this year? What can you do to cultivate more quality in your time during 2013?

I seem to never be spending my time wisely anymore. I had intended to do this Cultivate thing daily, then I decided I’d do it weekly. In the end, I am doing it now, on December 23^rd! I have had so much going on and so much that needs doing, I honestly just have not had the time to even take a breath. Starting early in 2013, we will be having a baby (in early February) and I have put in a leave of absence from my higher education to spend some much needed quality time with my family and especially with the new bundle of joy. I am not required to return to my studies until the end of May.

4. Reframing: How are you framing yourself, your relationships, your community, and your dreams? Could you reframe these as we enter 2013?

My husband is excellent at framing. J

5. Lesson: We may have started this year with the best of intentions, but plans may have gone awry. What lesson really jumped out at you this year? How can you cultivate that lesson going forward?

What really struck me this year was taking the time out to really enjoy the little things. Lately, our four year old is running amok completely nude while it is below freezing outside. I figure, she’s only four once… let her enjoy it while it lasts. At one point, I really almost thought I would lose my husband before what would have been our son Avery’s first birthday. Now, my husband is doing a million time better and I had gotten hat positive pregnancy test just a week before our son’s birthday. In some ways, that kept me from going off the deep end.

6. Letting Go: What do you need to let go of to cultivate your best life in 2013?

I need to let go of my anger. People tell me that it’s only hurting me and while I don’t believe it is hurting me, I feel like it might be draining me. Grieving is so exhausting and unfortunately, anger is part of the grieving process. This thing called grief, it never ends. There are better days, even weeks, but the bad days still come like it happened yesterday. I just don’t have to energy anymore.

Cultivating Self-Care:

7. Foodie Friday -- Cultivate Style: Food nourishes us. Some foods give us more enjoyment than others. Some foods leave us feeling less than ourselves. What foods nourished your soul and body this year? What food choices can you make in 2013 to cultivate more self-care?

I found I felt much more human, whole and sane when I was eating more whole foods. By whole foods, I mean things like cheese, nuts, seeds, meat and most other dairy products. Even the veggies fed my spirit and my soul. When I eat more processed foods, I definitely feel more sluggish and that is a vicious cycle.

8. Health: How did you treat your body this year? You only get this one vessel one time around. In what ways can you cultivate better health for your body next year?

Next year, after this baby comes, I will do my very best to control what I put into this body of mine. If I only put in the good stuff, I will only get good stuff out of it. For me, it’s not just about looking better, it’s about feeling better. No one can feel good at 5’1” high and 180#. It’s just painful!

9. Healing: The Cultivate project is all about healing yourself. How have you healed yourself, your relationships, and/ or your community this year? How would you like to heal these aspects next year?

January 2012 proved to help my state of mind more than I can ever express. On January 4^th, I got my first (and second) tattoo ever, Avery’s footprints atop my feet. Now he will walk with me every step I take for the rest of my life. My relationships are mostly good, a child or two and I keep butting heads, but that’s par for the course when you’re a mother, I guess. At some point next year, I intend to get more tattoos. That’s healing. Pain with a purpose.

10. What Matters Now: Cultivate is about living in the here and now. What matters most to you right now? How are you going to nurture what matters during 2013?

What matters the most to me right now is growing this perfect baby. The ability to sustain life within my own body is an amazing thing and I am doing my best to cultivate this tiny human. I will nurture him in 2013 with my breasts, my heart and my arms. He will be snuggled, cuddled and loved more than he will probably like. J

11. Avoidance: Sometimes it's hard to face what needs to be accomplished. What did you avoid this year? How can you make peace with your fears, concerns, and distractions in order to face that one (or more!) thing(s)?

All year I have been avoiding even starting on my assignments until shortly before their deadlines. Ack! Sometimes I really do get in my own way. Why won’t these things start themselves? After the baby is here and is worked into our lives and melds with us completely, I think that I will have a naturally occurring peace of mind that will translate to my being able to get through my second year of schooling.

12. Appreciate: Cultivate isn't about being in a constant state of happiness -- it's about practicing happiness, much like you'd practice a sport or musical instrument. How can you infuse more appreciation for the people, places, and things that bring you joy?

Cultivating Relationships:

13. Parents: Whether they're still alive or long since passed, biological or adopted, our parents were the first people to teach us about relationships. How can you cultivate a stronger, healthier relationship with them? How can you reconcile your past with your present and future?

I’m good here!

14. Significant Others: When we choose to become romantically involved with someone, we're opening ourselves to a very deep relationship. How can you nurture a healthy, loving relationship with your partner? If you're not romantically involved with someone, you may choose to evaluate former relationships to identify ways in which you'd like to nurture future relationships.

I’m good here, too! Hint: communication, communication, communication!

15. Children: Perhaps you're a parent. Perhaps you're an aunt or uncle. Perhaps you just associate with people who have kids of their own. Regardless of how you're related, the way we interact with the children in our lives makes a significant impact on their lives. Are you setting a good example? How can you nurture the next generation?

I am not setting a good example. The longer I am a parent, the shorter my fuse is in relation to putting up with nonsense. The older my older kids get, the more I curse in front of them. It’s to the point now, where my four year old, Autumn, is saying “shit” quite often and yells at her brothers that she is going to “punch” them “in the ass.” Her imagination plus + naughty words she hears = hilarious yet unattractive behavior for a little girl. I really need to watch my potty mouth. Oops!

16. Friends: We need people who nurture us. Friends provide care, support, encouragement, and enjoyment. Are you treating your friends in a nurturing, supportive manner? How can you cultivate the friendships you hold dear?

I always treat my friends well and do so as long as they are treating me well. This is similar to any other relationship in your life, if you treat people badly, they will treat you badly. When the situation arises, I do my best to be a sounding board for those who need an ear. My goal is to do this without judgment and I have been pretty successful to date. We are all unique individuals and what we have in common is a desire to be wanted and loved. When one of us is down, another can bring us back up to where we can breathe again. I would only hope that others would do the same for me.

17. Co-workers: Unless you run your own business by yourself or stay at home, chances are you interact with co-workers on a regular basis. How are you cultivating camaraderie in the work place? What can you do to support your co-workers?

The Mr. and I work very well together.

18. Clients: Perhaps they're customers. Perhaps they're patients. Perhaps they're clients. No matter what you call them, they are the reason you receive a paycheck. How are you nurturing the people who give you (or your employer) the money to support you? Are you cultivating a warm, welcoming environment for your clients?

Our customers are always treated with respect and dignity. If something is wrong with their order, it is my goal to fix it and fix it quickly.

Cultivating Community:

19. Local Love: Supporting local business cultivates your community. Tell us about a local business you discovered this year. What makes them stand out from the crowd?

I have not discovered a new local business, but have been continually supporting one we’ve known and frequented for years. Abio’s Italian Restaurant in Ocala, Florida is a great place to take your friends, family and co-workers for a bite to eat. Al DiFeo serves up lunch and dinner, Italian Style, with flair.

20. Community: (Because I still love Cali Harris' prompt from 2010!) Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2012? What community would you like to join, create, or more deeply connect with in 2013?

Late 2011 through all of 2012, I have found more and more online communities through Facebook and connecting with other grieving mothers than I ever thought was possible. This is a loss no parent ever wants to endure, but unfortunately, it does happen. Pregnancy loss/Stillbirth statistics report that in their lifetime, one in four women will suffer a loss. ONE in FOUR!! That’s a big, scary number. I hate that they exists, these online communities, but I am also glad they are there. Sometimes you just need to vent and other have been there and they understand. They are willing to sit by and listen to your story and offer you the emotional support you need to make it through the day. In 2013, I do not plan to cultivate any community. I have way too much on my plate!

21. Pay It Forward: Some days someone comes along to help us during a time of need. Sometimes we get the honor of bestowing that gift to someone else. Who paid it forward for you? Who did you pay it forward for? How can you pay in forward in 2013?

A few months ago, I sent out multiple handmade scarves to other baby-loss mommies and a close friend recently sent me a Christmas care package. What goes around, comes around. You do good for others, others will do good for you. If they don’t, Karma is waiting… she’s a sneaky vindictive bitch, too. She will get you; it is only a matter of time.

22. Support and Connect: We need to connect with a support group in our community in case one of us falls on hard times. How strongly connected are you and your support group? How can you cultivate support and connections next year?

I’ve got nothing for this one.

23. Service: Community service sounds terrifying to some people, but it's necessary for a prosperous community. Was there something you contributed to your community this year? What can you do to help your community in 2013?

I didn’t kill the stupid people…. Is that a community service? Sure feels like it some days.

24. Gift: We cannot deny that December seems to hold a great many gift-giving holidays. What's the best gift you gave to someone else this year?

I’m giving this little person within me the gift of life. It is the greatest gift one can give.

Cultivating Dreams:

25. Follow Your Heart: Did you follow your heart this year? Where will you follow your heart to in 2013?

I followed my heart and will continue to do so next year. I have no idea where it will take me, but I’m happy to follow it.

26. Map: Imagine a map existed, guiding you towards your dreams. Try to envision the route. How are you going to map out your dreams for 2013?

I’ve been trying to configure this map for years. It doesn’t exist.

27. Action: You've envisioned your map -- now what's the next step? What actions must you take to cultivate your dreams?

I’m going to re-direct you to #25.

28. Barriers: Roadblocks always seem to pop up. How can you plan for these barriers that will inevitably thwart your plans?

There is no stopping the road-blocking credit reporting agencies from continually adding the same account to my credit report, dropping my score more and more. That is what’s killing my dreams.

29. Achieve: Let's get even deeper into planning our next steps and ways around barriers. Identify how you'd like to feel and live when you succeed with your intentions. Review your map, actions, and barriers. What other things can you do to reach your goals?

Sit back, have a beer and chill. Happiness is a mindset.

30: Affirmation: The strongest way to empower yourself is to affirm yourself and your goals. Write 10 affirmations to encourage you on your journey to cultivate your dreams.

Eh, don’t feel like it.

Cultivate 2012 Intention for 2013:

31. Intention for 2013: Set your intention(s) for 2013.

I intend to be a thinner, healthier, happier person.