Cultivate 2012

Before we begin... I was a bit late in getting started and am really too tired to put in the full effort of finishing this in its entirety. I did the best I could with the lame preggo-brain I am working with. Being 33 weeks pregnant and working an my AA is exhausting enough without adding in the home business. the four kids at home and all the chores I am required to tend to. 

Enjoy!

Evaluation:

1. Reflection: What did you set out to accomplish this year? What have you done to cultivate your goals and your life? Did you intentions manifest during the year?

This year, I set out to accomplish remaining sane. Last June, we lost our full-term baby during delivery and we were/are still recovering from that loss. Only time will tell.

2. Path: Some times the best path chooses you. -- Patrick Rhone What path chose you this year?

The path of motherhood chose me (again.)  While it took me a while to come around to the idea of possibly having another child after losing Avery, I ultimately did want to hold a (my) baby again. I fell pregnant the end of May under less than ideal circumstances, but here we are, ready to meet this perfect little bundle come February. He was not planned and was quite a surprised, but very much wanted.

3. Time: Time is a valuable resource. Did you spend your time wisely this year? What can you do to cultivate more quality in your time during 2013?

I seem to never be spending my time wisely anymore. I had intended to do this Cultivate thing daily, then I decided I’d do it weekly. In the end, I am doing it now, on December 23^rd! I have had so much going on and so much that needs doing, I honestly just have not had the time to even take a breath. Starting early in 2013, we will be having a baby (in early February) and I have put in a leave of absence from my higher education to spend some much needed quality time with my family and especially with the new bundle of joy. I am not required to return to my studies until the end of May.

4. Reframing: How are you framing yourself, your relationships, your community, and your dreams? Could you reframe these as we enter 2013?

My husband is excellent at framing. J

5. Lesson: We may have started this year with the best of intentions, but plans may have gone awry. What lesson really jumped out at you this year? How can you cultivate that lesson going forward?

What really struck me this year was taking the time out to really enjoy the little things. Lately, our four year old is running amok completely nude while it is below freezing outside. I figure, she’s only four once… let her enjoy it while it lasts. At one point, I really almost thought I would lose my husband before what would have been our son Avery’s first birthday. Now, my husband is doing a million time better and I had gotten hat positive pregnancy test just a week before our son’s birthday. In some ways, that kept me from going off the deep end.

6. Letting Go: What do you need to let go of to cultivate your best life in 2013?

I need to let go of my anger. People tell me that it’s only hurting me and while I don’t believe it is hurting me, I feel like it might be draining me. Grieving is so exhausting and unfortunately, anger is part of the grieving process. This thing called grief, it never ends. There are better days, even weeks, but the bad days still come like it happened yesterday. I just don’t have to energy anymore.

Cultivating Self-Care:

7. Foodie Friday -- Cultivate Style: Food nourishes us. Some foods give us more enjoyment than others. Some foods leave us feeling less than ourselves. What foods nourished your soul and body this year? What food choices can you make in 2013 to cultivate more self-care?

I found I felt much more human, whole and sane when I was eating more whole foods. By whole foods, I mean things like cheese, nuts, seeds, meat and most other dairy products. Even the veggies fed my spirit and my soul. When I eat more processed foods, I definitely feel more sluggish and that is a vicious cycle.

8. Health: How did you treat your body this year? You only get this one vessel one time around. In what ways can you cultivate better health for your body next year?

Next year, after this baby comes, I will do my very best to control what I put into this body of mine. If I only put in the good stuff, I will only get good stuff out of it. For me, it’s not just about looking better, it’s about feeling better. No one can feel good at 5’1” high and 180#. It’s just painful!

9. Healing: The Cultivate project is all about healing yourself. How have you healed yourself, your relationships, and/ or your community this year? How would you like to heal these aspects next year?

January 2012 proved to help my state of mind more than I can ever express. On January 4^th, I got my first (and second) tattoo ever, Avery’s footprints atop my feet. Now he will walk with me every step I take for the rest of my life. My relationships are mostly good, a child or two and I keep butting heads, but that’s par for the course when you’re a mother, I guess. At some point next year, I intend to get more tattoos. That’s healing. Pain with a purpose.

10. What Matters Now: Cultivate is about living in the here and now. What matters most to you right now? How are you going to nurture what matters during 2013?

What matters the most to me right now is growing this perfect baby. The ability to sustain life within my own body is an amazing thing and I am doing my best to cultivate this tiny human. I will nurture him in 2013 with my breasts, my heart and my arms. He will be snuggled, cuddled and loved more than he will probably like. J

11. Avoidance: Sometimes it's hard to face what needs to be accomplished. What did you avoid this year? How can you make peace with your fears, concerns, and distractions in order to face that one (or more!) thing(s)?

All year I have been avoiding even starting on my assignments until shortly before their deadlines. Ack! Sometimes I really do get in my own way. Why won’t these things start themselves? After the baby is here and is worked into our lives and melds with us completely, I think that I will have a naturally occurring peace of mind that will translate to my being able to get through my second year of schooling.

12. Appreciate: Cultivate isn't about being in a constant state of happiness -- it's about practicing happiness, much like you'd practice a sport or musical instrument. How can you infuse more appreciation for the people, places, and things that bring you joy?

Cultivating Relationships:

13. Parents: Whether they're still alive or long since passed, biological or adopted, our parents were the first people to teach us about relationships. How can you cultivate a stronger, healthier relationship with them? How can you reconcile your past with your present and future?

I’m good here!

14. Significant Others: When we choose to become romantically involved with someone, we're opening ourselves to a very deep relationship. How can you nurture a healthy, loving relationship with your partner? If you're not romantically involved with someone, you may choose to evaluate former relationships to identify ways in which you'd like to nurture future relationships.

I’m good here, too! Hint: communication, communication, communication!

15. Children: Perhaps you're a parent. Perhaps you're an aunt or uncle. Perhaps you just associate with people who have kids of their own. Regardless of how you're related, the way we interact with the children in our lives makes a significant impact on their lives. Are you setting a good example? How can you nurture the next generation?

I am not setting a good example. The longer I am a parent, the shorter my fuse is in relation to putting up with nonsense. The older my older kids get, the more I curse in front of them. It’s to the point now, where my four year old, Autumn, is saying “shit” quite often and yells at her brothers that she is going to “punch” them “in the ass.” Her imagination plus + naughty words she hears = hilarious yet unattractive behavior for a little girl. I really need to watch my potty mouth. Oops!

16. Friends: We need people who nurture us. Friends provide care, support, encouragement, and enjoyment. Are you treating your friends in a nurturing, supportive manner? How can you cultivate the friendships you hold dear?

I always treat my friends well and do so as long as they are treating me well. This is similar to any other relationship in your life, if you treat people badly, they will treat you badly. When the situation arises, I do my best to be a sounding board for those who need an ear. My goal is to do this without judgment and I have been pretty successful to date. We are all unique individuals and what we have in common is a desire to be wanted and loved. When one of us is down, another can bring us back up to where we can breathe again. I would only hope that others would do the same for me.

17. Co-workers: Unless you run your own business by yourself or stay at home, chances are you interact with co-workers on a regular basis. How are you cultivating camaraderie in the work place? What can you do to support your co-workers?

The Mr. and I work very well together.

18. Clients: Perhaps they're customers. Perhaps they're patients. Perhaps they're clients. No matter what you call them, they are the reason you receive a paycheck. How are you nurturing the people who give you (or your employer) the money to support you? Are you cultivating a warm, welcoming environment for your clients?

Our customers are always treated with respect and dignity. If something is wrong with their order, it is my goal to fix it and fix it quickly.

Cultivating Community:

19. Local Love: Supporting local business cultivates your community. Tell us about a local business you discovered this year. What makes them stand out from the crowd?

I have not discovered a new local business, but have been continually supporting one we’ve known and frequented for years. Abio’s Italian Restaurant in Ocala, Florida is a great place to take your friends, family and co-workers for a bite to eat. Al DiFeo serves up lunch and dinner, Italian Style, with flair.

20. Community: (Because I still love Cali Harris' prompt from 2010!) Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2012? What community would you like to join, create, or more deeply connect with in 2013?

Late 2011 through all of 2012, I have found more and more online communities through Facebook and connecting with other grieving mothers than I ever thought was possible. This is a loss no parent ever wants to endure, but unfortunately, it does happen. Pregnancy loss/Stillbirth statistics report that in their lifetime, one in four women will suffer a loss. ONE in FOUR!! That’s a big, scary number. I hate that they exists, these online communities, but I am also glad they are there. Sometimes you just need to vent and other have been there and they understand. They are willing to sit by and listen to your story and offer you the emotional support you need to make it through the day. In 2013, I do not plan to cultivate any community. I have way too much on my plate!

21. Pay It Forward: Some days someone comes along to help us during a time of need. Sometimes we get the honor of bestowing that gift to someone else. Who paid it forward for you? Who did you pay it forward for? How can you pay in forward in 2013?

A few months ago, I sent out multiple handmade scarves to other baby-loss mommies and a close friend recently sent me a Christmas care package. What goes around, comes around. You do good for others, others will do good for you. If they don’t, Karma is waiting… she’s a sneaky vindictive bitch, too. She will get you; it is only a matter of time.

22. Support and Connect: We need to connect with a support group in our community in case one of us falls on hard times. How strongly connected are you and your support group? How can you cultivate support and connections next year?

I’ve got nothing for this one.

23. Service: Community service sounds terrifying to some people, but it's necessary for a prosperous community. Was there something you contributed to your community this year? What can you do to help your community in 2013?

I didn’t kill the stupid people…. Is that a community service? Sure feels like it some days.

24. Gift: We cannot deny that December seems to hold a great many gift-giving holidays. What's the best gift you gave to someone else this year?

I’m giving this little person within me the gift of life. It is the greatest gift one can give.

Cultivating Dreams:

25. Follow Your Heart: Did you follow your heart this year? Where will you follow your heart to in 2013?

I followed my heart and will continue to do so next year. I have no idea where it will take me, but I’m happy to follow it.

26. Map: Imagine a map existed, guiding you towards your dreams. Try to envision the route. How are you going to map out your dreams for 2013?

I’ve been trying to configure this map for years. It doesn’t exist.

27. Action: You've envisioned your map -- now what's the next step? What actions must you take to cultivate your dreams?

I’m going to re-direct you to #25.

28. Barriers: Roadblocks always seem to pop up. How can you plan for these barriers that will inevitably thwart your plans?

There is no stopping the road-blocking credit reporting agencies from continually adding the same account to my credit report, dropping my score more and more. That is what’s killing my dreams.

29. Achieve: Let's get even deeper into planning our next steps and ways around barriers. Identify how you'd like to feel and live when you succeed with your intentions. Review your map, actions, and barriers. What other things can you do to reach your goals?

Sit back, have a beer and chill. Happiness is a mindset.

30: Affirmation: The strongest way to empower yourself is to affirm yourself and your goals. Write 10 affirmations to encourage you on your journey to cultivate your dreams.

Eh, don’t feel like it.

Cultivate 2012 Intention for 2013:

31. Intention for 2013: Set your intention(s) for 2013.

I intend to be a thinner, healthier, happier person.

The Letter-Naming Thing Explained

The letter naming thing grew on me. I refused to do it at first, since my mother-in-law did it with the "S". My husband is Scott. he is the youngest of 4. First was Sandra, then Susan, followed by Sallyann and eventually, Scott. He was born on Father's day, the only son. His family were practicing Jehovah's Witnesses and did not celebrate this holiday, yet I still find it comical. He’s the youngest of 4, the only boy, born on Father's Day. of all days? Our son, Avery, was born very close to Father's day. Our letter naming situation came about unintentionally. Amber was the name we'd decided on for our first. With our second, I was 32 weeks along when my sister in law, Susan, passed. She was Susan Elizabeth. I wanted to name our baby (then gender unknown) after her if it was a girl, but I did not like the name Susan or Elizabeth, so we had decided on Victoria Elizabeth. I found out Alex's gender when I was already 6 days overdue. I only knew for 5 days, but it made all the difference in the world to me. We'd then decided on Alexander Scott (for his father.) Amber has my middle name as her middle name. Alex has his father's first name as his middle name.

When I became pregnant with our 3rd, I figured, "Eh, what the heck, let's do another 'A' name." I just didn't like any at the time and couldn't pick a winning first-middle combination. Then one day, it just hit me.... Ashton Thomas! So there he was, our third child, second son. We were sure we were done having children and I settled for longer term birth control that lasted 5 years. When it was time for replacement, we'd talked long and hard about it and we agreed that removal was preferable over replacement. Then came Autumn! It took more than 1 year of "trying" for our sweet little princess, but the effort paid off, big time. Autumn was born the day after her big sister, Amber. Our girls are 13 years and 1 day apart. Their due dates were just 1 day apart. (I carry babies for 42 weeks!) We knew for sure we wanted another and it didn't happen right away, but once we started trying, we got bored and frustrated because it wasn't happening. We gave up. Then, I became pregnant in December 2009, just before Christmas, but did not know until January 4th (just 3 days after my father in law passed). The pregnancy ended on 2/1/10 after two weeks of bleeding.

Just the day before our 15th wedding anniversary, on May 19th, 2010, I got another positive pregnancy test. I thought this was it, we were going to have our 5th baby, but alas, the pregnancy ended on 6/1/10. Skip forward another few months and on 9/11/10, 9 years after the terrorist attacks, I get yet another positive test. I don't think it will work out, but I do remain pregnant and get past 10/1/10. (around the same gestation yet another 4 months later.) I have an early ultrasound on 10/21/10 that shows us a strong heartbeat at just 9 weeks gestation. Success! A viable pregnancy. Somehow, that did not make me feel better. I was very cautious and we had a lot of family stress with our 2 oldest children while I was pregnant with Avery. This stress included, but is/was not limited to both of my older children being held at the local mental health facility under Baker Act.

Sorry for the book. It’s just that we've been through so much, yet here we are, still kicking. You can't keep us down! We're strong, we will survive.

I miss that boy more than I have ever missed anyone or anything in my life. Avery Jackson Friend, you are one loved boy.

Strange Traditions

I find that sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get through certain things. Life has thrown us for such a loop-dee-doo, that sometimes I really do not want to get out of bed some days. However, I know that the world keeps turning and life does go on. I have other children who need their mother and I must continue to live. For Avery, I go on, for I cannot stand to think of my children being left uncared for. Not that I don’t think my other family members would ignore them. (My point is that I truly believe they need a mother, even a mediocre one, such as myself.)

So now, I wonder, what can I do to include my deceased son in our family? Well, for one, I can take photos. Clearly, I cannot take photos of him, as he is not physically with me. Since I have had his inked footprints tattooed to my feet, I have felt strangely at peace most days. There are still days where I just cannot stop crying and I am angry for seemingly no reason at all. Those days don’t happen as much now as they have in the earlier days, thankfully. Yet, somehow, I still feel bad for not feeling bad. I guess it’s one of those catch-22s. There will be days I think that I feel fine and things are running smoothly and then, suddenly and without warning, all hell breaks loose and I just can’t keep it together.

So… how do I include my son into our family’s experiences? The answer is simple. These tattoos on my feet, they are a part of me and a part of him all at the same time. An interesting way to look at it, don’t you think? The thought I had was to take a photo of my feet in different places we go, etc., so that Avery is included. For example, we went to the beach for the first time since Avery’s birth/death and it was the same beach we were at almost precisely 1 year ago. One year and 4-5 days, to be exact. I was 30+ weeks pregnant with Avery the last time we went to St. Augustine, Fl. on March 15^th, 2011. This year, we went on the 20^th of March. I decided a few days ago that I would be marking this trip as “Baby’s first trip to the beach.” Now, you may find it silly, strange or even some act of denial. Let me be clear, I am not in denial. My son is dead. Not a day goes by that I don’t know that fact. I can’t forget. That sweet, perfect boy grew within me for 42 weeks! He will not be forgotten. I am simply choosing to include him, where others might shy away from sharing such an experience because it just hurts too much. I find that the more I talk about him and the more people know of his existence, it validates his life and hurts me less.

So here, I give you, Avery’s first trip to the beach. (As he is with me everywhere I go and with every step I take.)

(Yes, I am in desperate need of a pedicure. I hate people touching my feet, as I will be doing it myself, it must wait until I have the time.)

Watch Your Mouth!

I have learned so much since losing my son last June. For one, I have learned to watch my mouth. There are situations in life where someone blindsides you such damaging information and you just honestly don’t know what to say, right? I’ve been there. What I can tell you, even before I was in this particular situation, the best thing you can say is simply, “I’m sorry.” The truth is, we know you don’t know what to say to us, the bereaved parents of the world. We are sad, we are angry, we are many and we come from all over the world. The one thing we have in common? We’ve lost something very precious, something we love, our children.

Things NOT to say to a bereaved parent:

1. “God needed another angel.” Seriously? Regardless of your (or my) religion, ‘God’ does not need my child more than I do.

2. “Everything happens for a reason.” Any variation of this means the same. I used to believe this, and then my son died. Now? I can’t see a reason. I’ve searched myself many, many times. No reason could be found.

3. “God knows what’s best.” Or “It was probably best.” Again with your God… Does he (or she, if there even is one) really? What good could come of a dead baby? I’d really like to know.

4. “You’re young, you can have another.” You don’t know me. What if something went terribly wrong during delivery and I really CAN’T have another?? Don’t be a douchebag. This also bring to mind another question, which one of your children would YOU replace? Because that is what this statements screams. It screams, oh, just have another; one baby is as good as the next. We’ve lost a child, not our car keys! Maybe, just maybe, we don’t want another. We want that one, the one we’ve lost and we are lost without.

5. “You’ll see him again.” Really? You know this how? I want nothing more to believe that this is not the end for me and my son, however, I am alive and he is not. I cannot see him, I cannot touch him, and how can I believe that I will see him again? What if there really is nothing after death? HOW DO YOU KNOW? “Faith,” is not the right answer here.

6. “There was probably something wrong with him (or her) and he (or she) would probably never have a normal life.” Here we go yet again, you do not know me. My son was perfectly healthy. There was NOTHING wrong with him. Do not assume you know each and every person’s situation.

These things will make a bereaved parent angry. We are already sad, hurt, and feeling alone. Don’t be the idiot to open your mouth and insert your foot. Sometimes we just have to tell anyone who will listen. I found that by telling more people about my son, it hurt just a little bit less. It’s like the pain was a big, fat onion and I was peeling off the layers and giving them away. Whatever the other person does with that layer is their business; all I know is that it is no longer mine. I refuse to sit idly by and let my son be forgotten. I remember him and I will continue to tell people about him. I only have a handful of photos and that makes me angry. I should have a ton of photos from the various stages of his babyhood. Instead, I have pictures of a dead baby. It hurts like hell. Some days are worse than others. Let’s be clear about one thing, I am not depressed. I have been depressed in the past, this is completely different. Grief happens on its own timeline. Those who are in the grieving process will go back and forth for a while, through the stages before they leave a stage behind. This is normal. Do not let anyone tell you that you should “get over it” or “move on.” Your grief is yours and yours alone. I cannot and will not forget this pain. This pain is making the future me. It is shaping my life and building me up to be stronger, it hurts. If we forget the pain, we also forget all the good we experienced.

The memories I have are few, as he and I never got to lock eyes. The feeling of him tumbling in my tummy and kicking me silly at 3 am. Those are the things I remember. I wonder what color his eyes would be, what his little voice would sound like. He’d probably be crawling by now, at almost 8 months. He’d most likely be pulling himself up to stand and be gabbing away in his own language.

Try, please, to think about your words. Please, watch your mouth.

Meaningful gifts

Hey, if you know anyone looking for a meaningful gift...

My Etsy shop

I'm just starting out and when I have time to post more items, I will. :-)
Thanks for looking!

Updates and such.

First and foremost, forgive me. I have been a bad, bad blogger. I know there has not been a post from me in over 2 and a half years. That's a long time!

Update: A lot has happened in the last 2 1/2 years. A. LOT. My father-in-law passed away on January 1st, 2010. Three days later, I found out I was pregnant. Just 4 days after that, I started bleeding. I had what's referred to as a missed miscarriage. I spotted for well over 2 weeks before passing the "products of conception", as the hospital staff and doctor's office referred to my lost baby as. Fast forward just a few months later and I again am pregnant. I get my first positive test the day before our 15th wedding anniversary. (What a great gift!) This was the same day we were packing up to head south for our annual beach vacation (the very same one we skipped in 2009 because of money issues). The vaca went off without so much as a hiccup. We get home, 2 days later... you guessed it! I have now had 2 back-to-back miscarriages, exactly 4 months apart! (2/1/10 and 6/1/10) A few more months pass and I find myself pregnant again! Yes, again! Again, I was around the same gestation exactly 4 months later (10/1/10). This time, I did not miscarry. An ultrasound was done on 10/21/10 (exactly 9 wks gestation) and we found a tiny wiggly belly bean with a perfect little heartbeat! How exciting! On Jan. 21st, 2011, I had a 2nd trimester ultrasound and found out we were having a boy. Yay! His name was to be Avery Jackson Friend. A home birth was planned and the details are mostly long and boring. (2 prior c-sections and a history of being way overdue) I went into labor, on my own (for the very first time) the day before I was 42 weeks. June 8th, 2011. I labored long and hard for over 24 hours and was not progressing. Long story short... one cord prolapse, one ambulance ride and one truly emergent (2 minute) c-section later (for which I was knocked out), our baby was stillborn. A cord prolapse ended my son's life before he was born. He was gone before I went under. The doctor kept telling me that if we'd been there just a few minutes sooner... too little and far too late. It's not his fault. I know that. I thank him for having been able to so quickly get my baby out and try to save his life.

You know, they say everything happens for a reason. I used to wholeheartedly believe that. Now? Not so much. It's really difficult to find a reason for your child's death. I'm not the same person I was before. If I seem bitchier than usual, this is why. There's no excuse for being an ass, I know this. However, you walk a mile in my shoes... then judge me.

I love you so much, Avery! Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.

Avery Jackson Friend
Born sleeping June 9th, 2011 @ 10:07pm
Weight: 9lb, 1oz