Guess what?!

A lot has been going on as of late and I have been trying to patiently wait for the right moment to let it all out. Well, it seems as if that moment is never going to arrive so now is as good a time as any to spill the beans…

I am pregnant!

You read that right, I am with child. Below is an ultrasound photo snapped on July 12^th, 2012. I was 10 weeks at the time. My tentative due date is February 8^th, 2013.

Note to family members that are finding out this way: I did the right thing the last five times and the very last time, all I got in return was rudeness and negativity. That is why I chose to do this my way this time. Your negativity is not wanted, needed or required. If you have nothing nice to say to me, just don’t say anything.

I am so sick of the judgmental behavior and comments that I did keep this a secret, almost against my will. I am happy about this baby. It’s not fair that I felt as if I needed to keep this pregnancy a secret for fear of unnecessary stress caused by such negativity.

Now that that’s out of the way, back to baby. I will be scheduling this baby for cesarean delivery and before anyone starts on about how natural birth is best, I KNOW! Unfortunately, my natural birth days are long gone. After having had a truly emergent c-section that resulted in fetal demise, I am no longer taking any chances.

With my pregnancy history of going to 42 weeks, I have asked to be allowed the full 40 weeks plus 1 week. Well, 6 days, actually. It’s not set in stone, but if I get to choose this baby’s birthday, I pick Valentine’s Day! After all, what better gift of love can this anniversary baby be? 

The Letter-Naming Thing Explained

The letter naming thing grew on me. I refused to do it at first, since my mother-in-law did it with the "S". My husband is Scott. he is the youngest of 4. First was Sandra, then Susan, followed by Sallyann and eventually, Scott. He was born on Father's day, the only son. His family were practicing Jehovah's Witnesses and did not celebrate this holiday, yet I still find it comical. He’s the youngest of 4, the only boy, born on Father's Day. of all days? Our son, Avery, was born very close to Father's day. Our letter naming situation came about unintentionally. Amber was the name we'd decided on for our first. With our second, I was 32 weeks along when my sister in law, Susan, passed. She was Susan Elizabeth. I wanted to name our baby (then gender unknown) after her if it was a girl, but I did not like the name Susan or Elizabeth, so we had decided on Victoria Elizabeth. I found out Alex's gender when I was already 6 days overdue. I only knew for 5 days, but it made all the difference in the world to me. We'd then decided on Alexander Scott (for his father.) Amber has my middle name as her middle name. Alex has his father's first name as his middle name.

When I became pregnant with our 3rd, I figured, "Eh, what the heck, let's do another 'A' name." I just didn't like any at the time and couldn't pick a winning first-middle combination. Then one day, it just hit me.... Ashton Thomas! So there he was, our third child, second son. We were sure we were done having children and I settled for longer term birth control that lasted 5 years. When it was time for replacement, we'd talked long and hard about it and we agreed that removal was preferable over replacement. Then came Autumn! It took more than 1 year of "trying" for our sweet little princess, but the effort paid off, big time. Autumn was born the day after her big sister, Amber. Our girls are 13 years and 1 day apart. Their due dates were just 1 day apart. (I carry babies for 42 weeks!) We knew for sure we wanted another and it didn't happen right away, but once we started trying, we got bored and frustrated because it wasn't happening. We gave up. Then, I became pregnant in December 2009, just before Christmas, but did not know until January 4th (just 3 days after my father in law passed). The pregnancy ended on 2/1/10 after two weeks of bleeding.

Just the day before our 15th wedding anniversary, on May 19th, 2010, I got another positive pregnancy test. I thought this was it, we were going to have our 5th baby, but alas, the pregnancy ended on 6/1/10. Skip forward another few months and on 9/11/10, 9 years after the terrorist attacks, I get yet another positive test. I don't think it will work out, but I do remain pregnant and get past 10/1/10. (around the same gestation yet another 4 months later.) I have an early ultrasound on 10/21/10 that shows us a strong heartbeat at just 9 weeks gestation. Success! A viable pregnancy. Somehow, that did not make me feel better. I was very cautious and we had a lot of family stress with our 2 oldest children while I was pregnant with Avery. This stress included, but is/was not limited to both of my older children being held at the local mental health facility under Baker Act.

Sorry for the book. It’s just that we've been through so much, yet here we are, still kicking. You can't keep us down! We're strong, we will survive.

I miss that boy more than I have ever missed anyone or anything in my life. Avery Jackson Friend, you are one loved boy.

Watch Your Mouth!

I have learned so much since losing my son last June. For one, I have learned to watch my mouth. There are situations in life where someone blindsides you such damaging information and you just honestly don’t know what to say, right? I’ve been there. What I can tell you, even before I was in this particular situation, the best thing you can say is simply, “I’m sorry.” The truth is, we know you don’t know what to say to us, the bereaved parents of the world. We are sad, we are angry, we are many and we come from all over the world. The one thing we have in common? We’ve lost something very precious, something we love, our children.

Things NOT to say to a bereaved parent:

1. “God needed another angel.” Seriously? Regardless of your (or my) religion, ‘God’ does not need my child more than I do.

2. “Everything happens for a reason.” Any variation of this means the same. I used to believe this, and then my son died. Now? I can’t see a reason. I’ve searched myself many, many times. No reason could be found.

3. “God knows what’s best.” Or “It was probably best.” Again with your God… Does he (or she, if there even is one) really? What good could come of a dead baby? I’d really like to know.

4. “You’re young, you can have another.” You don’t know me. What if something went terribly wrong during delivery and I really CAN’T have another?? Don’t be a douchebag. This also bring to mind another question, which one of your children would YOU replace? Because that is what this statements screams. It screams, oh, just have another; one baby is as good as the next. We’ve lost a child, not our car keys! Maybe, just maybe, we don’t want another. We want that one, the one we’ve lost and we are lost without.

5. “You’ll see him again.” Really? You know this how? I want nothing more to believe that this is not the end for me and my son, however, I am alive and he is not. I cannot see him, I cannot touch him, and how can I believe that I will see him again? What if there really is nothing after death? HOW DO YOU KNOW? “Faith,” is not the right answer here.

6. “There was probably something wrong with him (or her) and he (or she) would probably never have a normal life.” Here we go yet again, you do not know me. My son was perfectly healthy. There was NOTHING wrong with him. Do not assume you know each and every person’s situation.

These things will make a bereaved parent angry. We are already sad, hurt, and feeling alone. Don’t be the idiot to open your mouth and insert your foot. Sometimes we just have to tell anyone who will listen. I found that by telling more people about my son, it hurt just a little bit less. It’s like the pain was a big, fat onion and I was peeling off the layers and giving them away. Whatever the other person does with that layer is their business; all I know is that it is no longer mine. I refuse to sit idly by and let my son be forgotten. I remember him and I will continue to tell people about him. I only have a handful of photos and that makes me angry. I should have a ton of photos from the various stages of his babyhood. Instead, I have pictures of a dead baby. It hurts like hell. Some days are worse than others. Let’s be clear about one thing, I am not depressed. I have been depressed in the past, this is completely different. Grief happens on its own timeline. Those who are in the grieving process will go back and forth for a while, through the stages before they leave a stage behind. This is normal. Do not let anyone tell you that you should “get over it” or “move on.” Your grief is yours and yours alone. I cannot and will not forget this pain. This pain is making the future me. It is shaping my life and building me up to be stronger, it hurts. If we forget the pain, we also forget all the good we experienced.

The memories I have are few, as he and I never got to lock eyes. The feeling of him tumbling in my tummy and kicking me silly at 3 am. Those are the things I remember. I wonder what color his eyes would be, what his little voice would sound like. He’d probably be crawling by now, at almost 8 months. He’d most likely be pulling himself up to stand and be gabbing away in his own language.

Try, please, to think about your words. Please, watch your mouth.

Accountability. Learn it. Live it.

I'm fat. Short and fat. I hate it. Do I do something about it? Of course not. It's far easier to sit on my (fat) ass and complain about it. This is the reason for this post.

Since the loss of my son, I have gone back and forth many times about whether or not I want to try again. The trouble with choosing to have another child... regular cycles, or at least ovulatory ones, are pretty much a requirement for conception. I started menstruating 17 weeks and 6 days after Avery's birth. I have just started my third cycle. The first was 34 days and the second was 36 days. The frustration of irregularity is enough to drive me insane!

Babies and conception aside, I truly feel like my being overweight is playing a huge role in the hormonal suck-fest I'm currently enduring. As Dr. Oz tells us, fat creates it's own estrogen. Do what? Yep. With estrogen levels remaining high, progesterone levels staying low, prolactin levels probably a little higher than they should/could be (I'm still nursing our 3 yr old, that's a whole different post.) it stands to reason that my reproductive health is suffering as much as my respiratory and circulatory health is. Being fat is unhealthy. Period.

So why this post? I'll tell you. Simply put, accountability. Whether people are reading or not, this is the internet. The internet is forever. Once I put this out there, I am being held accountable. Accountable for my words and for my actions. If I tell you that I am going to do my very best to lose a good amount of weight to regain my health and my life, damn it, I will. Once I tell the internet I'm going to do this, I will hold myself accountable and strive to do the very best I can to make good on my promise. For myself, for you, the reader and for the depths of the internet realm. I will be a thinner, lighter, healthier person!

The down low: I went to the doctor's office Monday to discuss "cycle control" with him. He tells me that I should lose weight. (I know this, my pants remind me daily.) He also tells me that getting certain meds will do nothing but mess me up more. I get that. The one med that will regulate everything, I cannot take because I refuse to force my daughter to give up something she's had every day since birth. (For more information on child-led weaning and the benefits of nursing a toddler: LaLeche League International, Nursing a toddler, and Child-led Weaning.)

So what's my plan? Baby steps. I'm going to make small changes on a regular basis. Taking short periods of time and making better food choices. I'm going to make every effort to get moving more.

Start weight: Monday, December 12th, 2011 - 181.6lb (according to Dr's office scale)

OUCH!! I'm ONLY 5'1" high, how the hell can I be that heavy? This is, by far, my heaviest non-pregnant weight. I have just barely exceeded this weight, by a few pounds, just prior to the births of babies #4 and #5.


This week's changes:

• Drink less beer. (Duh! Sure, it feels good and eases some of my emotional pain, but at 95-130 calories per 12 ounces?)
• Cut out late night snacking! It's bad news, Peeps, bad news.
  
• Smarter snacking! Instead of several fun size Hershey bars, what about a half cup of cottage cheese or an ounce of whole, natural almonds. Both very yummy choices.
• Instead of caffeine filled drinks between meals, some fruit juice. 100% juice, no sugar or artificial sweeteners.
• Cut the carbs! Seriously, who needs to be eating that much bread, pasta and potatoes?! (Potatoes are my weakness!)

• Replacing white potatoes with a much healthier orange (sweet) potato. I love those!

That's the plan, anyway. I hereby hold myself accountable!

If you have any helpful advice, hints or tips, you are more than welcome to share. :-)

Meaningful gifts

Hey, if you know anyone looking for a meaningful gift...

My Etsy shop

I'm just starting out and when I have time to post more items, I will. :-)
Thanks for looking!

Updates and such.

First and foremost, forgive me. I have been a bad, bad blogger. I know there has not been a post from me in over 2 and a half years. That's a long time!

Update: A lot has happened in the last 2 1/2 years. A. LOT. My father-in-law passed away on January 1st, 2010. Three days later, I found out I was pregnant. Just 4 days after that, I started bleeding. I had what's referred to as a missed miscarriage. I spotted for well over 2 weeks before passing the "products of conception", as the hospital staff and doctor's office referred to my lost baby as. Fast forward just a few months later and I again am pregnant. I get my first positive test the day before our 15th wedding anniversary. (What a great gift!) This was the same day we were packing up to head south for our annual beach vacation (the very same one we skipped in 2009 because of money issues). The vaca went off without so much as a hiccup. We get home, 2 days later... you guessed it! I have now had 2 back-to-back miscarriages, exactly 4 months apart! (2/1/10 and 6/1/10) A few more months pass and I find myself pregnant again! Yes, again! Again, I was around the same gestation exactly 4 months later (10/1/10). This time, I did not miscarry. An ultrasound was done on 10/21/10 (exactly 9 wks gestation) and we found a tiny wiggly belly bean with a perfect little heartbeat! How exciting! On Jan. 21st, 2011, I had a 2nd trimester ultrasound and found out we were having a boy. Yay! His name was to be Avery Jackson Friend. A home birth was planned and the details are mostly long and boring. (2 prior c-sections and a history of being way overdue) I went into labor, on my own (for the very first time) the day before I was 42 weeks. June 8th, 2011. I labored long and hard for over 24 hours and was not progressing. Long story short... one cord prolapse, one ambulance ride and one truly emergent (2 minute) c-section later (for which I was knocked out), our baby was stillborn. A cord prolapse ended my son's life before he was born. He was gone before I went under. The doctor kept telling me that if we'd been there just a few minutes sooner... too little and far too late. It's not his fault. I know that. I thank him for having been able to so quickly get my baby out and try to save his life.

You know, they say everything happens for a reason. I used to wholeheartedly believe that. Now? Not so much. It's really difficult to find a reason for your child's death. I'm not the same person I was before. If I seem bitchier than usual, this is why. There's no excuse for being an ass, I know this. However, you walk a mile in my shoes... then judge me.

I love you so much, Avery! Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.

Avery Jackson Friend
Born sleeping June 9th, 2011 @ 10:07pm
Weight: 9lb, 1oz