Babies, babies, babies!

Wow! Thinking back, I can remember the last two times I held a baby other than my own. I remember these instances in great detail.

Both situations hit me hard and were so very heartbreaking for the very same reason. Breastfeeding.

Yep. Mommy-milk. The first of these two experiences was at a time when I was TTC (trying to conceive) our 4 child, Autumn. I held a 2 week old boy, named Paul. (September 2007, my youngest was almost 6 and had nursed until just 10 days before his 3rd birthday.) He was so cute and so sweet and so soft! He reeked of "new baby." Then, without warning, he turned toward my left breast and was rooting. As a mother of 3 (at the time), I knew what he wanted, what he NEEDED. I wanted so bad to just feed him. Isn't that every mother's first thought? This tiny person is hungry, feed him, for crying out loud! I couldn't. I didn't have milk. (That hurt. I wanted to have milk so badly.) It also hurt because I wanted nothing more than to have another baby of my own. We'd been trying for over 7 months to no avail. Fast forward to February 2008... CONCEPTION! Once I stopped thinking about it, it happened.

Now for the second of the last two babies I held (other than my own.) Kayden. My nephew. A sweet boy, a little shy (I have not spent much time with him in his 2 years of life. His first Easter, 2009, I held him. He smelled of "new baby". Oh, how I love that smell!! He appeared hungry, I informed my sister. She prepared a bottle and placed it in his mouth and I do believe she expected me to take hold of it. I just couldn't. I passed him to her and told her as much. "I just can't."

Fast forward another year and a half and I am pregnant with Avery. I still have milk and Autumn is still nursing at almost 2 years old. I continue our nursing relationship with Autumn through 9.5 months of pure hell!! It was awful! However, with everything that has happened, I would not change a thing regarding Autumn and her desire to nurse. She got sick in April. Very sick. Strange how her first cold/flu type sickness hit her so hard, but it was the first time she'd every thrown up from being sick. (versus just baby spit-up) I went against a PA (physician's assistant's) advice and continued to let Autumn nurse. (I only had colostrum at this point, my milk had dried up and my breasts were preparing for a new arrival.) After the first time I let her nurse once the puking began, no more puking! Magic, right? The PA had told me that, "Oh, you should wean immediately. For two reasons, 1.) The baby won't have enough colostrum. 2.) Colostrum is rough on your toddler's tummy." WTF?! Seriously?! If it's tough on my toddler's tummy why the hell would I give it to my newborn?! Two words, SUPPLY and DEMAND! The baby will have what the baby needs. My body is not stupid. There is NOT a limited supply of colostrum. I will continue to make it until AFTER the baby's birth. Idiocy!!!

Moving on to June 2011. On the 9th day of June, 2011, our son, Avery Jackson Friend, was stillborn at 42 weeks gestation due to a cord prolapse. My hospital stay was the very first time Autumn had been away from BOTH parents for more than an hour at a time. She was devastated by my absence and was shy and timid when she visited me at the hospital. Once I talked her into the hospital bed (daddy helped her up) she was all about the booby. She nursed and immediately fell asleep at the breast. She needed this as much as I did. Once my milk came in (I did just deliver a baby,) she was in hog heaven! All the milk she could drink! I'm still not sure if it was more heartwarming or heartbreaking that she even had that sweet booby milk new baby smell. Like sugar! Sweet, sweet sugar. She continued to nurse and I pumped the extra and donated it to a baby in need. (informal milk-sharing is NOT recommended by the FDA, however, mother's milk from another mother is still better than formula.) Know your donor, get their health info, medications, vitamins and supplements, etc.

My point? I haven't held a "baby" other than my own, since Easter 2009. I'm tired. I'm getting older. I'm overweight and I USED TO BE very fertile. Now? Not so much. I want another baby. I need to hold a baby. MY baby. I cannot, nor do I want to, replace Avery. I just need to nurture and snuggle and cuddle and love and take care of my own. As much as I want to hold a baby, I don't think I can or should until I can hold my own again. Grief sucks! Secondary infertility sucks. Sometimes life just sucks!


-Kelly
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Fire and sex on a stick.

Now that Christmas is done, it's time to get moving in the right direction. The lighter direction.

For Christmas, my husband (affectionately referred to as "Stud") bought us a new scale. A scarily accurate scale, to be more precise. The first time I stepped on it, it informed me that I was weighing in at 178.6lb. I have lost 3 pounds! I don't notice the difference probably since I have so much more to lose before I would think of myself as healthy. Or even comfortable, for that matter.

So there it is, 3 pounds. Am I proud of myself? Sure. If you say so. I know that's a healthy amount for the time period that has passed, however, I'm finding it hard to get excited about having lost anything at all. I don't believe this to be a problem, per say, just another one of those weight loss hurdles. Repeat after me: "I will NOT let this thwart my efforts."

Now what? Well, I haven't mastered my first set of rules yet. It's not easy, by any stretch. Right now, as I type, I am having a late night snack. BUT... it's a handful of whole, natural almonds. Plain, boring and protein laden. It will fill me up and I'll be all set.

Exercise? Who has time for it?! I've been playing with fire a few times a week. Building and feeding fires fuels my creativity. For me, it's pure meditation. Zen, if you will. While this isn't vigorous exercise, it's still exercise. I'm bending, lifting, transporting logs and brush.

Here comes the fun part, reproduction talk. I have not ovulated as of yet, but things are looking up. How do I know? Because Adam Levine is looking like sex on a stick. Covered in rich dark chocolate. Yummy!

That's all the random I can fathom at this moment. Stay tuned...

I cheated...

Well... Not much has happened in the weight loss department. Sure, I'm disappointed, but let's be honest. 'Tis the season to overindulge. I'm not going to sweat it. It will happen. I WILL one day be much lighter and have much less mass.

Have I cheated on this "diet?" Sure. I'll own it. I've cheated a little here and there. For the most part, I have stuck to my own rules. Since my last post, I have had only 2 late night snacks. Only two in about a week? Not bad! I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

What now? Well, I continue to abide by these rules until I am no longer challenged by them. Once they become easy, I'll step it up a notch.

Note: I forgot to add on my last post, DRINK WATER! LOTS of it! I usually drink 3-4 liters a day, in addition to an occasional flavored beverage at meals.

Stay strong. Together, we can and we WILL be healthier.
-Kelly

Accountability. Learn it. Live it.

I'm fat. Short and fat. I hate it. Do I do something about it? Of course not. It's far easier to sit on my (fat) ass and complain about it. This is the reason for this post.

Since the loss of my son, I have gone back and forth many times about whether or not I want to try again. The trouble with choosing to have another child... regular cycles, or at least ovulatory ones, are pretty much a requirement for conception. I started menstruating 17 weeks and 6 days after Avery's birth. I have just started my third cycle. The first was 34 days and the second was 36 days. The frustration of irregularity is enough to drive me insane!

Babies and conception aside, I truly feel like my being overweight is playing a huge role in the hormonal suck-fest I'm currently enduring. As Dr. Oz tells us, fat creates it's own estrogen. Do what? Yep. With estrogen levels remaining high, progesterone levels staying low, prolactin levels probably a little higher than they should/could be (I'm still nursing our 3 yr old, that's a whole different post.) it stands to reason that my reproductive health is suffering as much as my respiratory and circulatory health is. Being fat is unhealthy. Period.

So why this post? I'll tell you. Simply put, accountability. Whether people are reading or not, this is the internet. The internet is forever. Once I put this out there, I am being held accountable. Accountable for my words and for my actions. If I tell you that I am going to do my very best to lose a good amount of weight to regain my health and my life, damn it, I will. Once I tell the internet I'm going to do this, I will hold myself accountable and strive to do the very best I can to make good on my promise. For myself, for you, the reader and for the depths of the internet realm. I will be a thinner, lighter, healthier person!

The down low: I went to the doctor's office Monday to discuss "cycle control" with him. He tells me that I should lose weight. (I know this, my pants remind me daily.) He also tells me that getting certain meds will do nothing but mess me up more. I get that. The one med that will regulate everything, I cannot take because I refuse to force my daughter to give up something she's had every day since birth. (For more information on child-led weaning and the benefits of nursing a toddler: LaLeche League International, Nursing a toddler, and Child-led Weaning.)

So what's my plan? Baby steps. I'm going to make small changes on a regular basis. Taking short periods of time and making better food choices. I'm going to make every effort to get moving more.

Start weight: Monday, December 12th, 2011 - 181.6lb (according to Dr's office scale)

OUCH!! I'm ONLY 5'1" high, how the hell can I be that heavy? This is, by far, my heaviest non-pregnant weight. I have just barely exceeded this weight, by a few pounds, just prior to the births of babies #4 and #5.


This week's changes:

• Drink less beer. (Duh! Sure, it feels good and eases some of my emotional pain, but at 95-130 calories per 12 ounces?)
• Cut out late night snacking! It's bad news, Peeps, bad news.
  
• Smarter snacking! Instead of several fun size Hershey bars, what about a half cup of cottage cheese or an ounce of whole, natural almonds. Both very yummy choices.
• Instead of caffeine filled drinks between meals, some fruit juice. 100% juice, no sugar or artificial sweeteners.
• Cut the carbs! Seriously, who needs to be eating that much bread, pasta and potatoes?! (Potatoes are my weakness!)

• Replacing white potatoes with a much healthier orange (sweet) potato. I love those!

That's the plan, anyway. I hereby hold myself accountable!

If you have any helpful advice, hints or tips, you are more than welcome to share. :-)

Meaningful gifts

Hey, if you know anyone looking for a meaningful gift...

My Etsy shop

I'm just starting out and when I have time to post more items, I will. :-)
Thanks for looking!

Updates and such.

First and foremost, forgive me. I have been a bad, bad blogger. I know there has not been a post from me in over 2 and a half years. That's a long time!

Update: A lot has happened in the last 2 1/2 years. A. LOT. My father-in-law passed away on January 1st, 2010. Three days later, I found out I was pregnant. Just 4 days after that, I started bleeding. I had what's referred to as a missed miscarriage. I spotted for well over 2 weeks before passing the "products of conception", as the hospital staff and doctor's office referred to my lost baby as. Fast forward just a few months later and I again am pregnant. I get my first positive test the day before our 15th wedding anniversary. (What a great gift!) This was the same day we were packing up to head south for our annual beach vacation (the very same one we skipped in 2009 because of money issues). The vaca went off without so much as a hiccup. We get home, 2 days later... you guessed it! I have now had 2 back-to-back miscarriages, exactly 4 months apart! (2/1/10 and 6/1/10) A few more months pass and I find myself pregnant again! Yes, again! Again, I was around the same gestation exactly 4 months later (10/1/10). This time, I did not miscarry. An ultrasound was done on 10/21/10 (exactly 9 wks gestation) and we found a tiny wiggly belly bean with a perfect little heartbeat! How exciting! On Jan. 21st, 2011, I had a 2nd trimester ultrasound and found out we were having a boy. Yay! His name was to be Avery Jackson Friend. A home birth was planned and the details are mostly long and boring. (2 prior c-sections and a history of being way overdue) I went into labor, on my own (for the very first time) the day before I was 42 weeks. June 8th, 2011. I labored long and hard for over 24 hours and was not progressing. Long story short... one cord prolapse, one ambulance ride and one truly emergent (2 minute) c-section later (for which I was knocked out), our baby was stillborn. A cord prolapse ended my son's life before he was born. He was gone before I went under. The doctor kept telling me that if we'd been there just a few minutes sooner... too little and far too late. It's not his fault. I know that. I thank him for having been able to so quickly get my baby out and try to save his life.

You know, they say everything happens for a reason. I used to wholeheartedly believe that. Now? Not so much. It's really difficult to find a reason for your child's death. I'm not the same person I was before. If I seem bitchier than usual, this is why. There's no excuse for being an ass, I know this. However, you walk a mile in my shoes... then judge me.

I love you so much, Avery! Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.

Avery Jackson Friend
Born sleeping June 9th, 2011 @ 10:07pm
Weight: 9lb, 1oz