Wow! Thinking back, I can remember the last two times I held a baby other than my own. I remember these instances in great detail.
Both situations hit me hard and were so very heartbreaking for the very same reason. Breastfeeding.
Yep. Mommy-milk. The first of these two experiences was at a time when I was TTC (trying to conceive) our 4 child, Autumn. I held a 2 week old boy, named Paul. (September 2007, my youngest was almost 6 and had nursed until just 10 days before his 3rd birthday.) He was so cute and so sweet and so soft! He reeked of "new baby." Then, without warning, he turned toward my left breast and was rooting. As a mother of 3 (at the time), I knew what he wanted, what he NEEDED. I wanted so bad to just feed him. Isn't that every mother's first thought? This tiny person is hungry, feed him, for crying out loud! I couldn't. I didn't have milk. (That hurt. I wanted to have milk so badly.) It also hurt because I wanted nothing more than to have another baby of my own. We'd been trying for over 7 months to no avail. Fast forward to February 2008... CONCEPTION! Once I stopped thinking about it, it happened.
Now for the second of the last two babies I held (other than my own.) Kayden. My nephew. A sweet boy, a little shy (I have not spent much time with him in his 2 years of life. His first Easter, 2009, I held him. He smelled of "new baby". Oh, how I love that smell!! He appeared hungry, I informed my sister. She prepared a bottle and placed it in his mouth and I do believe she expected me to take hold of it. I just couldn't. I passed him to her and told her as much. "I just can't."
Fast forward another year and a half and I am pregnant with Avery. I still have milk and Autumn is still nursing at almost 2 years old. I continue our nursing relationship with Autumn through 9.5 months of pure hell!! It was awful! However, with everything that has happened, I would not change a thing regarding Autumn and her desire to nurse. She got sick in April. Very sick. Strange how her first cold/flu type sickness hit her so hard, but it was the first time she'd every thrown up from being sick. (versus just baby spit-up) I went against a PA (physician's assistant's) advice and continued to let Autumn nurse. (I only had colostrum at this point, my milk had dried up and my breasts were preparing for a new arrival.) After the first time I let her nurse once the puking began, no more puking! Magic, right? The PA had told me that, "Oh, you should wean immediately. For two reasons, 1.) The baby won't have enough colostrum. 2.) Colostrum is rough on your toddler's tummy." WTF?! Seriously?! If it's tough on my toddler's tummy why the hell would I give it to my newborn?! Two words, SUPPLY and DEMAND! The baby will have what the baby needs. My body is not stupid. There is NOT a limited supply of colostrum. I will continue to make it until AFTER the baby's birth. Idiocy!!!
Moving on to June 2011. On the 9th day of June, 2011, our son, Avery Jackson Friend, was stillborn at 42 weeks gestation due to a cord prolapse. My hospital stay was the very first time Autumn had been away from BOTH parents for more than an hour at a time. She was devastated by my absence and was shy and timid when she visited me at the hospital. Once I talked her into the hospital bed (daddy helped her up) she was all about the booby. She nursed and immediately fell asleep at the breast. She needed this as much as I did. Once my milk came in (I did just deliver a baby,) she was in hog heaven! All the milk she could drink! I'm still not sure if it was more heartwarming or heartbreaking that she even had that sweet booby milk new baby smell. Like sugar! Sweet, sweet sugar. She continued to nurse and I pumped the extra and donated it to a baby in need. (informal milk-sharing is NOT recommended by the FDA, however, mother's milk from another mother is still better than formula.) Know your donor, get their health info, medications, vitamins and supplements, etc.
My point? I haven't held a "baby" other than my own, since Easter 2009. I'm tired. I'm getting older. I'm overweight and I USED TO BE very fertile. Now? Not so much. I want another baby. I need to hold a baby. MY baby. I cannot, nor do I want to, replace Avery. I just need to nurture and snuggle and cuddle and love and take care of my own. As much as I want to hold a baby, I don't think I can or should until I can hold my own again. Grief sucks! Secondary infertility sucks. Sometimes life just sucks!
-Kelly
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Both situations hit me hard and were so very heartbreaking for the very same reason. Breastfeeding.
Yep. Mommy-milk. The first of these two experiences was at a time when I was TTC (trying to conceive) our 4 child, Autumn. I held a 2 week old boy, named Paul. (September 2007, my youngest was almost 6 and had nursed until just 10 days before his 3rd birthday.) He was so cute and so sweet and so soft! He reeked of "new baby." Then, without warning, he turned toward my left breast and was rooting. As a mother of 3 (at the time), I knew what he wanted, what he NEEDED. I wanted so bad to just feed him. Isn't that every mother's first thought? This tiny person is hungry, feed him, for crying out loud! I couldn't. I didn't have milk. (That hurt. I wanted to have milk so badly.) It also hurt because I wanted nothing more than to have another baby of my own. We'd been trying for over 7 months to no avail. Fast forward to February 2008... CONCEPTION! Once I stopped thinking about it, it happened.
Now for the second of the last two babies I held (other than my own.) Kayden. My nephew. A sweet boy, a little shy (I have not spent much time with him in his 2 years of life. His first Easter, 2009, I held him. He smelled of "new baby". Oh, how I love that smell!! He appeared hungry, I informed my sister. She prepared a bottle and placed it in his mouth and I do believe she expected me to take hold of it. I just couldn't. I passed him to her and told her as much. "I just can't."
Fast forward another year and a half and I am pregnant with Avery. I still have milk and Autumn is still nursing at almost 2 years old. I continue our nursing relationship with Autumn through 9.5 months of pure hell!! It was awful! However, with everything that has happened, I would not change a thing regarding Autumn and her desire to nurse. She got sick in April. Very sick. Strange how her first cold/flu type sickness hit her so hard, but it was the first time she'd every thrown up from being sick. (versus just baby spit-up) I went against a PA (physician's assistant's) advice and continued to let Autumn nurse. (I only had colostrum at this point, my milk had dried up and my breasts were preparing for a new arrival.) After the first time I let her nurse once the puking began, no more puking! Magic, right? The PA had told me that, "Oh, you should wean immediately. For two reasons, 1.) The baby won't have enough colostrum. 2.) Colostrum is rough on your toddler's tummy." WTF?! Seriously?! If it's tough on my toddler's tummy why the hell would I give it to my newborn?! Two words, SUPPLY and DEMAND! The baby will have what the baby needs. My body is not stupid. There is NOT a limited supply of colostrum. I will continue to make it until AFTER the baby's birth. Idiocy!!!
Moving on to June 2011. On the 9th day of June, 2011, our son, Avery Jackson Friend, was stillborn at 42 weeks gestation due to a cord prolapse. My hospital stay was the very first time Autumn had been away from BOTH parents for more than an hour at a time. She was devastated by my absence and was shy and timid when she visited me at the hospital. Once I talked her into the hospital bed (daddy helped her up) she was all about the booby. She nursed and immediately fell asleep at the breast. She needed this as much as I did. Once my milk came in (I did just deliver a baby,) she was in hog heaven! All the milk she could drink! I'm still not sure if it was more heartwarming or heartbreaking that she even had that sweet booby milk new baby smell. Like sugar! Sweet, sweet sugar. She continued to nurse and I pumped the extra and donated it to a baby in need. (informal milk-sharing is NOT recommended by the FDA, however, mother's milk from another mother is still better than formula.) Know your donor, get their health info, medications, vitamins and supplements, etc.
My point? I haven't held a "baby" other than my own, since Easter 2009. I'm tired. I'm getting older. I'm overweight and I USED TO BE very fertile. Now? Not so much. I want another baby. I need to hold a baby. MY baby. I cannot, nor do I want to, replace Avery. I just need to nurture and snuggle and cuddle and love and take care of my own. As much as I want to hold a baby, I don't think I can or should until I can hold my own again. Grief sucks! Secondary infertility sucks. Sometimes life just sucks!
-Kelly
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Oh Kelly how I understand. I don't have anything more to add other than I love you and I do believe you will get your baby wish. Hold on honey, hold on and keep blogging.
ReplyDeleteThank you! <3 I so hope you are right. You know I wish nothing but the best for you, too! I love you, Sammie! XOXOXO
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